only that your eyes have their silence

beginning and end... what did i expect?

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 16:52:56 GMT

First

our imaginations touched
momentarily
muscle pushing life in
rythm
with yours
just an
instant in an eternity of searching
and at that moment
all reason seemed a waste
the flutter of conception
in the bleak uninhabited
recesses
pushed away white clad concience
all selflessness silenced
and something that
should have been pure
was itercepted by
unlovely intentions
the pressure of your hips
nullified all previous
resolutions and the
consuming thought became
moist mouth on curves
----

Last

a dwelling remains built of
rainbows (light bent through a prism-
a drop of rain- the leftovers of a storm)
firmly planted
upon a precipice
of hope
(a hope carved from a friendship) firm in
its infinitive (a diamond? no not
producing the rock of...rather lacking
the circlet of what? finality, covenant?)

turrets untarnished by the seasons
ageless in appearance

Epilogue

the question then becomes, how does one
go about dismantling a rainbow?
it cannot be forced back through a prism,
reclaiming its life as a ray of light
a rainbow by definition is
dismantled, its hopes and horrors laid bare
for all to see. I am not jealous of this
beauty when exposed, naked for the
world to see
i had a castle in the air to dismantle
you found the wrecking ball,
you were not supposed to help

Even when the clouds roll in.

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 08:30:40 GMT

Well, I am once again doing the thing I vowed to not do. I am posting in my livejournal when I am depressed. I guess I just wanted those of you who still read this to know that Daniel and I broke up today, well yesterday (I just looked at what time it is). So that was the last shot for us. We are still friends, I mean it's not like there was a bad break-up by any stretch of the imagination. He just felt that we were going nowhere. So the last year and a half of hope without hope is done. I really need to move on now, and as much as I know that I will, and that I will meet someone else (we always do) I still do not want to. I have been in an odd sort of relationship with him for almost a year and a half, and while we were not dating during that time I was growing more attatched. (my own fault really... it always is) Long story short, this hurts more than when me and michael broke up, and he was my first real love (sorry zach, but you fall into infatuation). I know that someday I will look back at this and be glad that we went our seperate ways, but right now I cannot imagine it.
And I know that it is terrible to say so, but I am a bit angry with God about this. I feel like he never fails to bring me someone only to take them away when I need them the most. To be fair I am not a good christian by any stretch of the imagination, but I am not a bad one either. It is just that after michael, and denver I learned what was really important to me in a relationship... and thereby became one of the pickiest people in the world. I picked daniel. He was everything that I wanted, and some things i needed that I did not know I needed. Not to say he was perfect, but his vulnerabilities and imperfections made him all the more just what i needed.
Expect me to be in mourning for a while, as I have some castles in the air that need tearing down, and unfortunately their foundation is deep in my heart.
At least I will get some good writing time. I am always a better writer when the page is blurred by tears. I feel so fucking emo. (forgive me for the expletive, but is the only word nearly strong enough).

Forty years it had taken him to learn what kind of smile was hidden behind that dark mustache.

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 13:14:14 GMT

The following is an article from THE DAILY MAIL an online news organization in england...

Big Brother is shouting at you
Last updated at 21:02pm on 16th September 2006

Big Brother is not only watching you - now he's barking orders too. Britain's first 'talking' CCTV cameras have arrived, publicly berating bad behaviour and shaming offenders into acting more responsibly.

The system allows control room operators who spot any anti-social acts - from dropping litter to late-night brawls - to send out a verbal warning: 'We are watching you'.

Middlesbrough has fitted loudspeakers on seven of its 158 cameras in an experiment already being hailed as a success. Jack Bonner, who manages the system, said: 'It is one hell of a deterrent. It's one thing to know that there are CCTV cameras about, but it's quite another when they loudly point out what you have just done wrong.

'Most people are so ashamed and embarrassed at being caught they quickly slink off without further trouble.

'There was one incident when two men started fighting outside a nightclub. One of the control room operators warned them over the loudspeakers and they looked up, startled, stopped fighting and scarpered in opposite directions.

'This isn't about keeping tabs on people, it's about making the streets safer for the law-abiding majority and helping to change the attitudes of those who cause trouble. It challenges unacceptable behaviour and makes people think twice.'

The Mail on Sunday watched as a cyclist riding through a pedestrian area was ordered to stop.

'Would the young man on the bike please get off and walk as he is riding in a pedestrian area,' came the command.

The surprised youth stopped, and looked about. A look of horror spread across his face as he realised the voice was referring to him.

He dismounted and wheeled his bike through the crowded streets, as instructed.

Law-abiding shopper Karen Margery, 40, was shocked to hear the speakers spring into action as she walked past them.

Afterwards she said: 'It's quite scary to realise that your every move could be monitored - it really is like Big Brother.

'But Middlesbrough does have a big problem with anti-social behaviour, so it is very reassuring.'

The scheme has been introduced by Middlesbrough mayor Ray Mallon, a former police superintendent who was dubbed Robocop for pioneering the zero-tolerance approach to crime.

He believes the talking cameras will dramatically cut not just anti-social behaviour, but violent crime, too.

And if the city centre scheme proves a success, it will be extended into residential areas.

The control room operators have been given strict guidelines about what commands they can give. Yelling 'Oi you, stop that', is not permitted.

Instead, their instructions make the following suggestions: 'Warning - you are being monitored by CCTV - Warning - you are in an alcohol-free zone, please refrain from drinking'; and Warning - your behaviour is being monitored by CCTV. It is being recorded and the police are attending.'

Mr Bonner said: 'We always make the requests polite, and if the offender obeys, the operator adds 'thank you'. We think that's a nice finishing touch.

'It would appear that the offenders are the only ones who find the audio cameras intrusive. The vast majority of people welcome these cameras.

'Put it this way, we never have requests to remove them.'

But civil rights campaigners have argued that the talking cameras are no 'magic bullet', in the fight against crime.

Liberty spokesman Doug Jewell said: 'None of us likes litterbugs or yobs playing up on a Saturday night, but talking CCTV cameras are no substitute for police officers on the beat.'

I could have been a sailor, I could have been a cook

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 08:22:24 GMT

so... Daniel and I are dating agian. I honestly did not think it would ever happen.... HAPPINESS!! It has been almost a week, and I think I just realized it yesterday.

Work is... work, that is a lie actually, most of the times it is either staring at a vidoe feed, or shooting the shit with the pilot and sensor operator. Today is my last night/day on nights, after my weekend I will be on days 0630 to 1500, I cannot wait! I get to be a real girl for about 28 days. (yes that is the time we spend on each shift, therefore 28days later I will have been changing shifts again.) do not ask, it is the middle of the night after barely any sleep, and my friday after a 6 day week.

I am trying to come home for thanksgiving, no promises, but we will see.

and my dog got hit by a car and killed... I know, there I go with the depressing ending always... cheer up gloomy pants.

I am a real MC

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 20:45:54 GMT

I had my Work Evalutation last night, It was great... everything that could go wrong in a mission (well almost) went wrong. It was all completely out of my control. communications were down, power outages, and cursing pilots...by far the best part. My evaluator, I found out at the end of the night, is the most difficult of the evaluators. He was asking me questions about the structure of the aircraft, total weight it is able to carry, etc... things that I was never taught, and that I really do not have to know. I felt like I was doing terrible, and wanted to cry. Then Lt. Soto (one of my trainers) came and found me at the end of the night, he said that he heard that I had done incredible, that I had "blown the eval out of the water."
In other news, I got my car back, it was giving me problems so I took it in to the dealership whos address online is listed as being on S. Decatur, I searched S. Decatur and finally stopped at the BMW place to ask where the VW place was. It had moved to Sahara a while ago, but never changed the address online, so I was a half an hour late for my appointment. They fixed everything beautifully, and all of it was on the warranty, except the headlight. I should have changed it myself. It cost $23 for the bulb, and $50 for them to change it. ridiculous.
well, I am headed off to work.
Have a good day all.

take these last six candles

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 18:53:42 GMT

Well, I had a great birthday. My friend Judd decided it was his personal task to be sure that I was not homesick, or lonely. When I got off of work on thursday he came and hung out with me until midnight at which point he wished me a happy birthday. He then handed me my birthday present, it included The Cat Returns, a beautiful studio Gibli film. He also got me the newest Copeland book, J-pod. Lets see, I went to work on my birthday (swing shift) and when I got out, 2 hours early because my LT. is the best, my roommate told me to get changed because we would be going out. 5 of us went to see a movie, unfortunately my rommates boyfriend swindled us into seeing the descent. I hate scary movies...especially ones with no plot and the only thing they really have to offer is gore.
Saturday Judd and I went to the mall where we picked out a nice outfit for him to wear to dinner that night. We went to maggianos for Italian food and it was great, excellent. When you walk into the resturuant there is a man in a tux with tails, singing frank sinatra accompanied by the grand piano, and he is sining into an old school mic. every table had a candle, and there was a little old italian man playing the accordian, mostly dean martin type music, like Thats Amore. It was indeed great fun.
Work is going, my flight was delayed 2 and a half hours yesterday, and hadnt even handed off whenever my shift ended. Which means after a 2 and a half hour break i had 2 and a half hours to just chill. It was good times though, there was a whole bunch of us just goofing off in our little corner... me, my trainer, my friend bobby and this other Lt. from the cali guard.
off to shower so I can head back to work.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 07:01:04 GMT

IT'S MY FRICKIN BIRTHDAY!!!!

WOOO WOOO!!

It would be so easy to sing a song about you

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 18:53:19 GMT

I <3 my training Lt. Her name is Lt. Lunday. I had been under the impression before I met her that she would be a man. Thinking back over the last day of academic class work, I wonder where I got that impression from. Anyway, Lt. Lunday is essentially Reese Witherspoon,(though Brunette)she has many of the same mannerisms in speaking that is seen in all of Reese's more intellligent characters. An example of what I mean can be seen in " a lot like heaven" which is i might add, a pretty cute movie. Lt. Lunday also happens to be the go-to for out entire shop, pretty much anyway. If one needs to know how to do anything, or what the policy may be on a certain situation, she knows it.On top of all that she is an incredible teacher. To top all of that off, I told the Lt. that my birthday is on friday, she informed me that she writes the schedules, and that we just might be getting off early on friday :).
My first day working with predator was uncharacteristically (come to think of it, i have never written that word down before...) exciting. My two roommates who were training as well both were bored out of their minds.
I am now off to eat lunch.

i like to imagine jesus with huge eagles wings singing lead to lynard skinard . . .

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 20:57:01 GMT

So today is my first day as a Mission Coordinator.Actually, that is a lie . . . I made it up. Today I begin my OJT. I will be sitting in on my first mission. Briefing starts at 1430, and actual work begins at 1500. Lt. Lendon (I think that is his name) will be training me, I have heard from other MC's that he is really good, and a very good trainer.
Friday is my birthday, call me! I will be working swing, so I will forgive a call the next day.
My friend Judd, having heard that I seem to always end up having some depressing birthday decided to take it upon himself to be sure that didn't happen. He is taking me to dinner Saturday night at the Italian Resturuant at some casino. Should be a blast, I <3 Italian food.
Michael is coming here to hang out in September for a few days. Should be fun. The plan is to hit up a hookah bar/dance club, as well as pur, a club inside... I forget which hotel, but it is kind of exclusive, we have an inside track though and will be on the guest list. I also intend to show him the base and I guess just chill since we have not been able to hang out for more than a couple of hours since I was probably 19 years old.

And by the way, I have been enjoying myself immensly watching Pete and Pete, possibly one of the greatest shows ever from a time when nickelodean was good tv.

someone wrote wash me on the back window of my car

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 23:58:10 GMT

i'm not going to lie, i was quite embarassed. granted, my car needs (and when i say needs, i mean it is imparative for life to continue) to be washed. The problem exists of the funds to do so. believe it or not quarters are extremely difficult to get a hold of. Then there is the 111+ degree weather, makes it a little uncomfortable to be in the sun.
i know i promised i would try to update in a better mood. unfortunately it is easier said than done. Why? I will start with the petty stuff maybe for the build up to the significant -- a dramatic effect of sorts, or maybe because that is the chronological order of things. I guess we will see. It began friday with the misplacing of my military ID. not having that on my person is a violation of the UCMJ, in other words it is a criminal offense. i had it at lunch, we were in fpcon bravo, so i had to show my ID in order to get into the chow hall, and in order to get food. i did not drive all that day, mostly due to no gas in my car. i rode with both tracy and karen (the suitemates) at different times. after work we went to the offic to check out military email accounts. used my id to log in. after work i went through the usual ritual. emptied my pockets into my hat. i took a nap that afternoon, then a shower, we went to a movie. when i got to the theaters i went to use my military id to get a discount, and it was not there. i have not seen it since. i spent all weekend searching for it.
I then realized the $90 i thought i had for the next 2 weeks was actually $20, i had to pay my car insurance.
then today. i tried to be upbeat. i woke up at 0430 to build my slides for a briefing (it was quite good i might add) and just wake up on monday which is always difficult to do. i made tea, took a shower, called to double check the time of my ob/gyn yearly appointment. i was sure it was 2:30pm, the lady on the phone told me 12:45. so i show up at 12:30. mind you i still do not have an id, and the hospital is on a satellite of this base, so i had to grab my roommate who is on medical leave (she just had surgery) to go with me just to get on base. The lady at the desk tells me that my appointment is not until 2:30. we leave, i figure i may as well go to the mpf and try to get a new id. i wait in line for 45 minutes, and have to leave to go back to work. i spend a half an hour at work before i have to go back to the hospital on the other base. i again get my roommate and go to my appointment. the doctor is an old guy (all ob/gyn docs seem to be) who seems more nervous than i am, which makes me even more uncomfortable.
after all of that, being touched innappropriately by an old guy, having his fingers jammed up inside me (not fun! he pokes the walls of your uterus) he goes for the breast exam, and guess what, i have a lump. now he says it is most likely just a clogged duct since i wear underwire bras. but i have to go get a sonogram at the beginning of september, and i'm not feeling any better about his assurance that it is nothing. after hearing this i have to go to the lab to turn in the test, and then pharmacy to pick up perscription and then the womens clinic to schedule the sonagram. they look at me like im crazy and start asking me all these questions. apparantly i was supposed to be sent to radiology. how the f#%@ was i supposed to know that? that is now what i was told. and this entire time, everytime i go to a different desk they give me the first degree about why i dont have my id.
when i leave i go to get a visitor pass in order to get back on base (my roommate had to stay, i had to go back to work). i get to the gate and give the rent-a-cop my pass. he doesnt even look at it, he just asks me if i have an id. i tell him no, he starts to say something, i jump in and 'kindly explain' that if he would look at the paper i handed him he would see it is a visitors pass, because I DONT HAVE MY ID!
and that is my story. i really am trying to not always be in a bad mood when i write. if i had wrote yesterday i would not have been, but maybe i just turn to this when i need someone to listen, and even though im sure no one reads this, i feel like maybe there is one person who is listening, even if it is the guy who does upkeep for the site or something.
well, here is to having a better day soon, though im liable to be stressed until next month on my appointment, september 2.

oh, and my 23rd birthday is friday. i work swing, and will not be doing anything except maybe sleeping the rest of the time. happy frickin birthday...lol. hey, 2 more years and my car insurance goes down.

should be working on my briefing for tomarrow instead of updating...

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 22:46:57 GMT

I am not going to pretend like i am a good friend. I have not updated in FOREVER and im not going to make empty promises that i will be better. I will sat that it is my goal that since i now have internet agian I will update more often. I just found out that for my first few weeks on shift I will be working mids, 3pm to 11pm, not too bad except that means it will be difficutl to talk to the only person i really talk to. yet again. just like in tech school. i guess it is better i mean i get way to attatched to people regularly, and to him for the past year. i guess me being on shifts that change every other week could push towards weaning someone out of my life in a less painful way then could happen otherwise. i dont want to, but it is starting to feel inevitable. funny but i go for a time on the not depressed or down side of life, yet for some reason every time i have the ability or drive to post is whenever things are not going well. Not that things are bad right now. I really like my roommates and my dorms, im looking forward to my job (it looks like a scene from war games with the screens and headsets etc) and while vegas sucks, i am finding things to do. its just that there is stuff going on at home that i wish i could fix, i know that even if i was there i wouldnt be able to help. that does not make it any easier to be stuck here though. And then there is my best friend who has been great. he has been there for me through practically everything, and done his best to help me from across the country. but there is still that. he is across the country, and it doesnt look like that will be remedied any time soon. and there still exists the waiting for the inevitable collapse of our relationship, since it seems that "friendships" that exist as truly more and yet for some inexplicable reason never really more, become too strained after a time, or one meets someone to replace the former. and the former (which im pretty sure will be me) is left heartbroken at the loss even though they knew it was coming the whole time. i guess i want to hope against all odds that one day we will wake up and it will all make sense, and we will be together.
well, i try not to be lame and post lyrics and all that crap (i was heavy into that in my early days...lol) but this song by iMOGEN HEAP (the lead singer of frou frou) has been stuck in my head ever since i bought the album.

Say goodnight and go.
Woah woah. Woah woah

Skipping beats, blushing cheeks I am struggling
Daydreaming, bed scenes in the corner café
And then i'm left in bits recovering tectonic tremblings
You get me every time

Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

Follow you home, you've got your headphones on and you're dancing
Got lucky, beautiful shot you taking everything off watch the curtains wide open
Then you fall in the same routine flicking through the TV relaxed and reclining
And you think you're alone...

Why d'ya have to be so cute?
It's impossible to ignore you
Must you make me laugh so much
It's bad enough we get along so well
Say goodnight and go

One of these days, you'll miss your train and come stay with me
We'll have drinks and talk about things, any excuse to stay awake with you
You'll sleep here, i'll sleep there, but then the heating may be down again
at my convenience
we'd be good, we'd be great together.

[Sigh]
Go!

Say goodnight and go,
why's it always always
goodnight and go
Darling not again
Goodnight and go

heres to more uplifting entries at a later date, maybe if i could sleep for once i wouldnt be so moody...

counting down the days...

Tue, 16 May 2006 16:07:16 GMT

Well, i have less than 3 weeks until i graduate. i will be in california around the 7th or 8th. on the 22nd i will fly to alabama for a few days to see what is going to happen with some stuff, and visit a very good friend whom i miss terribly. when i get back i will be heading to monterey for a day or so (around the 27th or 28th). then it is off to vegas to establish my air force life. if you are in any of these places and want to see me while i am there, give me a call or drop me a line. if you are going to call do not do so until monday because my phone no longer works and i am waiting for my new one to arrive in the mail. if you email me or message me, dont be surprised if i dont get back to you right away, im being forced to move buildings tomarrow, and therefore will be having my internet turned off, it is expensive to have the company switch addresses for you and i have less than 3 weeks. yes with less than 3 weeks they are moving me into a different building. i missed the not having to move graduation date by 10 days. i will be moving and then 2 1/2 weeks later i will move again. if you have my number i would appreciate it if you texted me with your name starting monday, at this point in time i am unable to get to the saved numbers in my old phone, and i dont really have any numbers memorized anymore. thats my story i will speak with you all soon.

heavens not the place that you go when you die, its the moment in life when you finally feel life

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 15:03:36 GMT

I apologize for how lone it has been since ive updated last. I guess i have felt like there was nothing to say. Updating...
I am in block (unit) 10 of 15 here at goodfellow afb, working on graduating 6 june 06, or 666 as my class is affectionately referred to by the instructors. Thus far the course has not been too difficult, there are stressful blocks, and the instructors try to make all of our briefings feel stressful. Block 10 has been a different animal however. Most of the blocks (6 not included) have ranged between 3 and 7 days and have 1 test, maybe 2 progress checks which include briefings as well as hands on quizzes, like splicing maps properly with the correct labels, or building intel reports to send up to higher headquarters. Block ten however is the weaponeering and targeting block, where we picked targets and then weaponeered for them picking bomb bodies, fuzes, tail kits, and aircraft to deliver them. This block is 15 days and includes 3 tests (i have test 2 the most difficult of the 3 today) 2 briefings (the second which i gave and got a 93 on last night) and 1 pc that is monday... i dont even know what it is on. I think block 11 is the last block with a test, from here on in it will be only briefings and pc's. which even though they will show you a score on, they are all pass/fail.
*pause* i have to go to prt, which is physical readiness training... i will be back.
just kidding, it was cancelled, no one felt the need to inform me of that however...lol i usually recieve numerous texts of joy when that happens.
*play*
Once i graduate the goal is to drive to california, do 2 weeks of recruiters assistance. This entails working in my recruiters office during the day in exchange for unchargable leave. from vacaville i will be driving to monterey, where i will spend about a week or 2 with my military friends there. From monterey i will drive to vegas, where i am stationed after this hell hole, and i will report in and actually begin my career. i am looking forward to being in the real airforce and not in training status. if youve never been in the airforce, you will not understand, if you have.... highschool is almost over for me, enough said.

Okay, so the real reason that i updated. I was going through old paperwork the other day and i found a chronology that ben wrote for me of our friendship. As i read it, it had almost the same effect on me not only emotionally but mentally, as it did the first time i read it. i realized that as the seasons in our lives change there are people that no matter how near and dear they are to you, may not flow into the next part of your life. Both those people who do, and those who dont change and shape who you are. they effect your perceptions, not only of the world around you, but of yourself. Ben for me has always done the latter. He has always seen me as so much better than ive seen myslef and by default i was inspired, and almost required to step up and live to the standard that he saw in me, at least when i was around him. And he never failed to induce me to desire to be a better person. I dont think many people in this world have seen the sides of me that ben has, years of friendship and working and schooling together. he was my friend through "numerous" relationships both male and female. Even though he and i never talk at all anymore, he always has been and always will be ( i hope) a rock for me, and by that i mean a testament to the version of myself that i want to be all the time. As i was reading our story, i saw that version of myself hidden in the pages, and i was a little sad that i dont know this side of me anymore, let alone anyone that i currently spend time with. There have been glances, dont get me wrong. i just dont live in that place for long, didnt in the past and dont now. i want that to change.
As we move through these seasons in life some are shortened by circumstances that force us to grow beyond the capabilities we thought we had (thank you air force for ALWAYS being that for me), ultimately though it isnt what we think we have become it is what we are becoming, and we do have a say in that. the people we surround ourselves with do indeed influence this change. I want to thank all the people who may or may not be regular parts of my life but who have influenced my perceptions and lead me towards what i am today. i especially want to thank ben for always calling my bluff and making me see that i can and should be more. your my boy blue! and i miss you, but i cherish the times that we had to grow and learn together. i also want to thank daniel auchenpaugh, who in a different way tends to call my bluff now, and when i say that i mean he is one of the few people in my life that will look me in the face (or i guess get serious on the phone since he is in maryland) and tell me that i am being retarted about something and force me to grow up on the spot, if not in deed, at least in intention so that later i dont make the same mistake or assumptions twice.

wow that was long. contempletive mood now ending...

have a nice day everyone and i cant wait to see you all agian. keep me in prayer, this last month and a half is going to be murder in the schoolhouse side of things.

and happy easter.

aren't you such a catch, what prize...

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 19:14:09 GMT

so its been a while. i feel mostly like a slacker for that.
I'm still in class in san angelo texas. block 5 of 14, and my graduation date is 666, that is 6 june 2006. so far ive learned how to brief (basic public speaking techniques blah blah blah) and i pretty much rock the known world with my briefing skills. I have learned the structure of us military and civilian intel, such as how the fbi, cia, dia etc... all relate and what their specific jobs are, ive learned how to read topographic maps, which i already knew due to geology in college, and from now on i am unable to talk about what i am learning, because it is classified "secret" I was overjoyed to find that i recieved my top secret clearance in june, that lasts 5 years before it must be renewed.
this weekend will be my first 3 day weekend in texas. evelyn and myself and our roommates will be going to el paso for the taste of chaos tour, as well as some big city shopping and fun.
on saturday we went to a kareoke bar, i was the designated driver and probably the only sober person there, well one of my friends put my name in for the kareoke, and i had to sing. on a stage. with spotlights, etc. i sang sixpence none the richer's kiss me, i was shaking soo bad and 3 of my sergeants were there. but i guess i did alright, all these army firemen were chanting "samantha" when i was done.
well that is my story. for now. until something semi interesting happens... auf viedersehen

eh

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 07:34:52 GMT

so my aim is blank rocks you, if you have aim add me. like i said on myspace, i got my orders which may change but as of now they say vegas.
things are good, blah blah blah. mostly tired and wanting to sleep for the next ten years.

i play world of the warcraft now, i am on kirin tor and my name is lannur, so if you play say hey, send me gold etc.

goodnigh

next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 21:47:54 GMT

i apologize for the lack of christmas spirit before hand...
i am 'home' for christmas i will be here through the 2nd of jan, if you want to chill give me a call.
mostly things suck right now, i hate texas, its ugly and boring, at leas west texas(i'm 100 miles from the nearest interstate and almost 200 from any big cities).
daniel and i got in a big fight that ended along the lines of dont ever speak to me again, but it was spiced up with him telling me that i am pathetic, childish, lonely and too clingy to ever be friends with. merry frickin christmas. i suppose the lonely part is true, but anyone would be in my shoes, at least now i have evelyn, a girl from monterey who now lives in the room next to mine. clingy, sure why not, because wanting to talk to your 'friends' when you have no one else to talk to who doesnt try to get in your pants makes you clingy. yeah thats me...co-frikin-dependant.

talk to you all later. i promise to be filled with a little more seasons greetings next time.

so about that military thing...

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 04:12:09 GMT

okay. I got my orders today, I will be leaving for texas on december 5, and start class on the 7th. TMO comes to get my stuff a week from monday.... *sigh* (i promised myself i would never use the aciton/typing thing again but i dont know how else to describe how i feel right now so there it is).
I cannot say what my job will be doing because honestly im not entirely sure myself, they havent explained it because it is an intelligence job and i had to get a security clearance before i could even go to texas for class. so dont ask about the job... if i told you i would have to kill you... no, really i am highly trained in the art of... complaining people to death.
I will be home for christmas in theory, i dont have any leave approved yet or tickets bought, since i will be in texas by then.
on the "bright side" (note the sarcasm here) my best friend in the military, after ignoring me for almost a week explained why he was doing so... apparantly our friendship had become akward and unhealthy and had died, only i missed the memo. for me it was, he was a jerk for 2 weeks when people were around, cool when they werent and then one day we hang out and he suddenly doesnt want to be there and then i dont exsist for a week. it is truly a great going away present to find 3 weeks before you leave that the person you've come to trust more than anyone else in the world could care less whether you live or die, yet alone is he going to miss you.
what can you do? well what i am doing is hanging out with my 1 or 2 remaining friends in monterey, becoming a little more introverted, and trying to get ready to leave for texas, which includes a butt load of paperwork. And going to Frisco in a week to see coheed and cambrian play... I would be stoked because a good show is better than s.... well maybe. but ex-friend (yeah ive never been broken up with in terms of friendship before, it is bizarre) is going too... it will be the most akward car ride ever.
anyway, be praying for me, my permanent duty station is not decided yet, but i am going to put in for either ramstien, germany, or mildenhall, england... and everyone knows how i feel about those places...
so keep in touch bit#@&$....

who knew what we knew now we could have been more but at least youre still my daily friend

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 02:03:11 GMT

counting down the days to leave california... not excited about that at all, but what are you going to do?

*****

watch me
i cut the strings i am breaking free
the hold you have on me, my bondage
i am being uprooted, you are being uprooted
pulled from the depths of my heart
capularies bursting from the strain of muscle
ripped from fingertip to fingertip
empty of/from exhaustion and tears
the de-entwining misplacing my emotions

how did you so quickly graft yourself in?
painstakingly im am pulling you out.

*****

check out my myspace... samantha dawn.

ba bah!... this is the sound of settling..

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 00:42:55 GMT

so i came here with the intention of posting some of my poetry, but managed to forget to bring it with me.. figures.

Yesterday Brown, tristian and myself decided to drive to salinas, monterey can be... is... very boring if you are under 21, especially on a friday or saturday night. you can only spend so many hours in the coffee shop, so after quite a few brown, age 20 and tristian, age 19 and myself decided to go to the mall, by the way the mall in salinas sucks even more than the mall in fairfeild. the uspide to this trip? for brown and tristian it was the stop at walmart afeter te mall(they are both from the south, the dirty south...lol) and for myself,as well as them i guess, the stop at arby's on the way home... curly fries rock my world. Upon returning to post and the dorms it was unfortunately only 2230, way too early for sleep on a saturday, plus i work nights, i had only woke up at 1400 that afternoon. I decided id take it easy though and read for a while, maybe do some laundry, minutes later i recieve a call "your not naked yet are you?" translation: "are you in your pajamas yet, because i want to hang out". so i quickly got unnaked and we headed to denny's where the joke for the evening was "ba bah!" "what is that?" "this is the sound of settling!" (deathcab for those who wouldnt catch that reference.)
Went to church this morning Ive been attending a reformed baptist church and it is exellent, we sing hymns and everything. I enjoy how quaint it is.

Glamorous Soul
64% Tastefulness, 53% Originality, 67% Deliberateness, 50% Sexiness

[Tasteful Original Deliberate Sexy]

You choose your outfits carefully according to many criteria. You don't like looking cheap, dull or random and you go to great lengths to avoid this. You are successful, too. People admire your taste and sex appeal. Many try to imitate you but not many can recreate your unique style. Sometimes, however, they find you too intimidating to approach. If you don't wear retro style yet, perhaps you should consider it. It would become greatly your sexy, mysterious self.

The opposite style from yours is Fashion Enemy [Flamboyant Conventional Random Prissy].

All the categories: Fashion Enemy Bar Cruiser Kid Next Door Sex Bomb Hippie Kid Fashion Rebel Fashion Artist Catwalk God(ess) Librarian Sporty Hottie Office Master Uptown Girl/ Boy Brainy Student Movie Star Fashionista Glamorous Soul

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 73% on Tastefulness

You scored higher than 65% on Originality

You scored higher than 87% on Deliberateness

You scored higher than 57% on Sexiness

Link: The Fashion Style Test written by mari-e on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I'm not going down that easy, i'm not gonna' fall just cuz youre not there..

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 02:58:15 GMT

well it has been an eternity since i have spoke with any of you, not on purpose, just busy growing up....
Im not sure what you all have heard, but i failed arabic, there is a point that i hit in class where i was so far behind that the reality of my catching up was nonexistant. I was removed from class and began working charge of quarters, which consists of 12 hour shifts from 8pm to 8am, yes graveyard, two days on and two days off. I just recieved my new job, it is another intelligence job. I will be reporting to texas sometime before dec. 7 since that is my class start date. this reclassing from failure of a language is extremely common, unfortunately and so in that i do not feel alone. My best friend here, a daniel will be leaving me soon, he also failed out of class,korean being his poison, and will be seperating from the military, his new job was not as steller as mine.

speaking of daniel... lets just say that any miniscule amount of emo you may have accused me of at any point in time, is nowhere near the quiet brooding that has becoe my personality. I know that i have a tendency to become extremely attached when i do, and unfortunately i did quickly, and it was all over too soon, i dont think my heart has been this broken since michael... yes it is that bad. there is a certain sting in giving someone your heart so wholly to be told that it is over because a. he is still in love with his ex girlfriend, b. I am apparently not what he is looking for in a woman. ha, pardon my bitter laugh but if figures that when i find someone who reaches the places in my life that no one else has ever touched, i would not be enough. it seems belated that i cry about this to you all seeing as our "relationship" if that is what you could call it, has been over for months and the actual coupling only lasted a mere month. am i retardedly hopeless? this appears to be my fate. my consolation is that i am leaving this base and we have a great friendship normally, when i am not in useless tears over a worthless pain.

sorry to be lame and sad, but this has unfortunately been a difficult few months.... try ever since arabic started, it was a fight uphill from the beginning despite my attempt to love the language.

a more interesting note...DENVER emailed me, yes the ex from england, havent heard from him since we broke it off. he is engaged and will be getting married soon.. congratulations to him, it was just very odd to look in my email and see one from him...

despite the sound i am excited about my new job, it includes breifing flight and special op crews, and i can be based just about anywhere, all the really good bases included. I will be trying for either mildenhall in england or ramstein in germany for my overseas base. of course as daniel would say, "if there is one thing the air force has taught me it is that i am expendible and easliy replaced.." this is unfortunately an inside joke for anyone who has ever failed out of a techschool or jacked up in some way...

hilights of the past few months..
1.hours spent in the coffeshops reading, studying, surfing the web, sitting accross from daniel, holding hands across the table, knees touching under the table. The everquest for the perfect book, magazine, cd...
2.my very first hardcore show, showbread was headlining, it was a small venue the boardwalk in sacramento, but once you pop the hardcore cherry you cannot stop, as proof... my hair is short and black.. i must get you pictures.
3.haveing someone, since ben is unusually unattainable, with which to share my writing, well that lasted at the beginning until my writing became more pronouncedly bitter...lovesick ie uncomfortable to share with the main reason (daniel) that it has been written.
4.exposure to some awesome bands i may have otherwise managed to never hear about and finally i am not bound by the top 40!
particular favorites: deathcab for cutie, their newish album "plans" is possibly one of the most beatiful albums ever... Hawthorne heights, silence in black and white, i particularly like track 3 and its allusion to the 80's film Say Anything...starring of course john cusak. Mae, both albums that i have are beautiful in fact, me without you, i think im leaning towards "catch for us the foxes" being my favorite of the two albums, and amazingly good though turning mainstream is fall out boy, i think dance dance would have to be towards the top of the list of the favorites from them though i still have not waded through all of the albums 4 or 5 i think currently on my computer in my dorm room ( a vigorous walk up the hill from here).

okay i feel a little better, if anything i have learned from this entry, yet again, that it is imperative that i write frequently, it has indeed been a month at least since i have made the effort, and i must say that the emotion that i am able to arrive at is beautiful.

Currently i am sitting at a coffee shop in downtown monterey, not my favorite one, but this one has better wireless internet connection and it is friday night so everyone is out, in a couple hours the trecks to the bars will commense, but for now everyone is still fully clothed, wearing jackets and scarves and the old buildings are lit up.

I fully intend to from now on make it a point to update this, especially since many of my friends from here...what all 4 people that i can actually stand for prolonged amounts of time, have livejournal as well and it is in this way that we can catch all the news...and foxes.

I will be home for christmas, i get leave something like the 23rd of december to the 8th of january... i think. i look forward to seeing those of you who care when i am home....

in the meantime God bless you all, and know that despite all else he is forever faithful, and the companion that will never change his mind about his love for us.

whatever I want gos

Sat, 16 Apr 2005 20:40:01 GMT

Hey everyone!! So I am in monterey!! It is gorgeous, great fun and all that jazz. I cannot use my cell phone until may second so please do not call me, but after that Ill be callin yall anyway. My mailing address is:

A1C add my name here
441 Chaplain Magsig Ave 2634
Presidio of Monterey Ca 93944

Please write and email and all of that stuff, in about a month or so Ill be home for the weekend, its gonna be sweet!

I am studying Arabic its quite interesting and pretty difficult but I love it. Ive gotta go, but I love yall and will hopefully be keeping everything updated from now on :)

peace to all my brothers from other mothers!

ps it is saturday, a good day:)

Andy is ralphing in the back, the boat is filling with water, and I'm all wet!

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 19:14:44 GMT

wow, it really has been a long time since Ive been on here, it is formatted completely different! I dont have time to make a really long entry, but i just wanted to let youall know that I got my official leaving date, it is February 15, which I think means I have to report on the 14th, but I'm not sure, I do not know what language I will be getting yet, I find that out when I arrive in monterey after boot camp. Just know that I love you all!

Samantha

sir, yes sir!

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 20:43:37 GMT

Okay i am now officially announcing this to anyone who has not heard... I am enlisting in the air force. I turn in my paper work on wednesday, physical on monday, well i guess it is actually tuesday, and then I will be shipping out the beginning of October. pray for me cuz i want the lingusit position, but i have to pass an exam for that, if i get it I will spend a year in monterey at the institute of foriegn language at the end of which I get 10,000 dollars and will be stationed over seas, I will then, as a gift to myself buy myself a mini cooper, and she shall be christened Bridget, after Bridget jones's diary.

There you go, o yeah and my 21st birthday is on wednesday! yay for being a really real adult!.

wow, i was packing my books and things that I will not need for the next month 1/2 when i found some stuff that michael had written to me, so i called him to say hey, seems like hes doing good, still a work aholic..lol but thats not surprising, i have to say again that i wish things had been different but i know at the same time that its good this way. oh well.

I hung out with scott w. on saturday, that was fun, i hadnt seen him in a while, he and jon grout and danee and i went in the spa and talked.. much fun was had by all.

I got contacts!!! yay for seeing that i have makeup on!

and that is my update for today, now back to pakcing

I dont mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain...

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 23:06:26 GMT

My life is rated PG-13.
What is your life rated?

I do not think I am that bad.

Well, it has been an interesting couple of weeks. last monday i started summer classes, not very exciting, Ive been working alot! it is so much fun though. I went to the Blink 182/No doubt concert, it rocked so hard!! Seeing them live was soo awesome! IT was beatiful! ummm... wednesday is spiderman!!!!! I cant hardly breathe i am so excited,

vindicated, by dashboard....yay :)

hope dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye

and roped me in so mesmerizing and so
hypnotizing, i am captivated, i am

vindicated, i am selfish i am wrong
i am right, i swear i'm right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now the things
you swore you saw yourself so clear

like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye

and rendered me so isolated, so
motivated, i am certain now that i am

vindicated, i am selfish i am wrong
i am right, i swear i'm right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now the things
you swore you saw yourself

so tired of the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment for forever

defense is paper thin
just one touch and i'd be in
too deep now to ever swim
against the current

so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip against the current

so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away
so let me slip away

vindicated, i am selfish i am wrong
i am right, i swear i'm right
i swear i knew it all along
and i am flawed but i am cleaning up so well
i am seeing in me now the things
you swore you saw yourself

my hope dangles on a string
like slow spinning redemption

*tear*

Well, there is really nothing exciting going on in my life right now,

oh yah except for tiff's comment on sunday how i've already had three chances so i shouldnt get another one. that stung. i tried to play it off, but i cried later about that, she really has no idea. anyway, it really doesnt matter, i was just shocked that she said that in front of everyone, im used to it in small groups.

are we all victims of opportunity?

Fri, 18 Jun 2004 17:32:31 GMT

samissy's LJ stalker is benllama!

benllama is stalking you because your LiveJournal is just SO damned interesting. They are also mentally deranged!

LJ Stalker Finder
From Go-Quiz.com

I had to paste that cuz it was about ben and it has the llama sound which makes it funny..lol

ANYWAY... it has been a very long time since i have updated... so in a nutshell, I work at in-n-out in davis, yay for college towns and getting my first raise in one month during my first month :).

Last night i was closing and it was the last official day of finals for Davis, so after ten every customer was piss drunk, or half way there. Some guys that i havent seen in a couple months that acutally live in vacaville came in and when they saw me they shouted "GERMANY" which i then was later forced to explain to some of my coworkers...lol.

I start summer classes on monday for 6 weeks of geology, although I will only be attending five weeks, BECAUSE I AM GOING ON A CRUISE!!! yes i, samantha, will be going on a cruise to mexico, a 5 day cuise, only problem is, i will be 2 weeks prior my 21st birthday, and I am going with my parents and siblings, but my grandparents will be there so it is okay.

next happy thought.. Monday is the LOOONG anticipated blink/no doubt concert. Ive been working on what to wear, since it is punk, and i am proud of the results, i will be sure to take pictures since it is not likely any of you will ever witness me dressed like this in the future.